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Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Family Funerals


It has taken me a week to gain perspective on a family funeral I attended. 
My family requires months, even years of perspective. If you have read any of my Hold Everything Lightly series, above, you might understand. My great Aunt K. died, she was just shy of ninety. When I was much younger I used to spend time with her but I have not seen her recently. One of my aunts and her daughter have been faithful to visit and care for her. Unfortunately much of what they did for her will go without credit.

I almost walked out of the church because someone was there who hurt me terribly when my beloved daddy died. It took every fiber of my being and the grace of God to hold me in place. Then my Big Sister came in the door and I did not know what she might do because she is far more volatile than I and was involved with that whole incident. My sister did not recognize me.  I have grey hair, have lost weight, and had on heels. A vast difference than my former look when she saw me last year. Yes, it was at least a year since I have seen my sister. We do talk on the phone however. We sat together and she told me she nearly left when she saw the person who caused us so much pain when we were mourning our dad. We are united in that we are the two children left of our parents. Our brother, Fred, was killed by a drunk driver fifteen years ago. Mom had more children later. 



. It was dizzying for me to see friends from high school grown yet strangely the same. They did not recognize me(grey hair strikes again). We saw a vast array of first cousins, cousins thrice removed, aunts, and uncles. Upon reflection I noticed neither preacher who spoke mentioned my great uncle who married my aunt 58 years ago. I do not think that an accident. He was mean and hateful. He was my grandfather's brother.





Going to my hometown is too strenuous and intense for me.
I cannot do it with perspective or grace anymore. 
Too many ghosts of the past lurk there. 
The scary part is they have a pulse.

 joy and peace
Olive












37 comments:

  1. Oh, dear, dear Olive! You have expressed yourself so beautifully, I can feel your pain. Funerals are difficult no matter what the circumstance, but this situation was loaded for pain.

    You have my condolences and heartfelt prayers for healing and protection against those who caused strife.

    Good people have hope. Those who cause pain are hopelessly in the dark. Focus on your happy hope for tomorrow.

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  2. Funerals are difficult at the best, let alone when there are painful circumstances to face in addition. You and your sister are in my prayers for a peace that only our Lord can give.

    Judy

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  3. Funerals can bring back both good and bad memories...glad you were able to make it through the day.

    Kat

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  4. But you are a strong, kind and gentle lady dear Olive... prayers to you sweet friend, I love you, xoxo Julie Marie

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  5. Funerals are hard enough on their own, much less with family dynamics and difficult reunions in play. I'm glad you stayed ~ it's shows your character, and God's grace. Blessings and peace. xo

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  6. Beautifully expressed, Olive. Families can be a confusing mix and returning to one's home town after years and years is not always easy. Returning to my home town is something I avoid if possible. Nothing there for me anymore except my sweet sister who I adore.

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  7. what can i say - so sorry for your loss. i wish that funeral were more easier for us all. i know it is a time of loss & such huge heartache. it's also a celebration of that persons' life ... where they are going - to be with our heavenly father. i can understand family troubles ...guess we all can. why can't we all get along??! agree to disagree. keep the mean words to ourselves. i'm glad that you did not let those hurtful words keep you from saying your last respects. so proud (is that the right word?) of you to stay & be the better one. big big hugs. ( :

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  8. I am sorry for your loss! You are a much bigger person than me....I didn't go to my Uncle's funeral because I didn't want to face my mother's family. Family can be so complicated......
    ~Des

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  9. Wow Olive! I'm sorry for your loss and the circumstances of the funeral. Your words are so poignant and I can feel your pain. Hold those dear to you close and tight and that pain will soon melt away. Take care,
    Cindy

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  10. Olive you are brave to attend the funeral and stay through the service in such trying circumstances. Bless your heart and have a peaceful week.

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  11. Hallo Olive. Like the others, I am sorry for your loss, and even more sorry that you had such a hard time at the funeral. You did very well to stay throughout my friend. Try not to dwell back on the bad times, although funerals usually do bring up a wealth of memories. Sending hugs your way dear Olive.

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  12. I wonder if there is a point where we can say, "This place or these people are not good for me." and stay away. Sometimes sending flowers and donating to a charity is enough to honour your relationship without putting yourself through so much stress. I believe in forgiving but that doesn't mean I have to spend time with people who aren't worthwhile.

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  13. I am part of a dysfunctional family. I hear you.

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  14. Funerals in my family can be very dramatic when certain family members are forced to deal with each other. I have taken the stand to just ignore them and honor the person who has died. I think you and your sister were right to unite for support.

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  15. Oh, my. Funerals are hard enough without the extra baggage they can bring. Glad you were able to see your sister and that you two stayed and honored your Great-Aunt. Maybe, if you're lucky, you'll never have to see that other person ever again.

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  16. Family funerals are difficult at the best of times, but I think that you behaved in a gracious manner, and I am sure that your Great-Aunt would have been proud of you.
    I did not realise that you had turned grey so quickly, but you know what, you really suit grey hair. It is very becoming to have a young face framed with some grey.

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  17. So sorry you had to go through all of that...my family is very dysfunctional, but I'm lucky enough to have a close relationship with my 2 sisters...Take care...look to the future...you are in a better place now!

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  18. Olive every family has it's share of skeletons! I am so sorry for your loss, family funerals are always difficult! Thinking of you my friend:)

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  19. Olive, so sorry to hear of the death of your aunt and even more sorry to hear that attending her funeral was so difficult for so many reasons. I think a lot of people can relate to what you have said and understand. Family issues take perspective and as a reader of your series, I believe you should take as long as you need to get that perspective, if you ever can. Sometimes it is best to just move forward and concentrate on the present and future, not necessarily forgetting the past, but being a better person because of it - I think you've got that part just right. (hug) Ann

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  20. Olive, I know the grace of God was evident in you at that funeral even though you may not have felt like being gracious. Thankfully you didn't have to go in your own strength to face all the hurt and painful memories.
    Mary Alice

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  21. I know how you feel! Isn't it so painful to have to be around those who are so hurtful/hateful!! We can't always go back home, and sometimes that's a good thing! Take care! Thinking of you and your sister.

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  22. The commenters above have said so much, so beautifully. I will only add that I felt as if I were there with you reading this and hurt for you. We never know the troubles another blog friend has and It warms my heart when I see others reaching out to you now. God bless you.

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  23. Oh Olive, what a difficult time that was for you, and evidently for your sister too. How we handle those encounters that are so tough for us really show how we've grown. It sounds like you handled this very well. Hoping you find peace.

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  24. So sorry for your loss, Olive. I'm glad you didn't let that hurtful person drive you away from the funeral. You are a much better person than he.
    Peace and blessings to you!

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  25. So sorry to hear that your situation made you so uncomfortable. I think we all know people in our lives that make us feel that way. We must remember though that it isn't wise to hang on to bad feelings. It poisons us. It is better to let go and move on. I often remind myself of that whenever I find myself in front of someone that angered me in the past. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of knowing that they still have control over me. By harbouring ill feelings that is letting them have control over you. Easier said that done though!! So sorry for your loss too.

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  26. So sorry for your loss and sorry your heart is hurting!
    Blessings to you sweet friend...

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  27. Reading this and hurting in my heart for you and your sister, I thought of that line from "Hope Floats"---`Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome.` My prayer is that you will be able to close the door on those ghosts that continue to haunt you. The baggage they bring is theirs to carry---not yours. Don't let them steal your happiness or your peace of mind. You, my darling lady, are stronger and wiser than them. God bless you, your sister and those two ladies who took such care with your aunt. They might not get credit here on earth, but I'm sure they did in the better place a'waiting in the sky.
    Prayers and blessings,
    Deb

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  28. I believe that your Aunt would have been very proud of you and your sister. You did the RIGHT thing; maybe not the most comfortable one, but the RIGHT one. I have a similar situation with a stepchild who has turned her husband and married children against us and the rest of our family. It's always much easier to do the right thing, and we do. Sadly, they do not.
    That said, God bless you and your sister and your aunt's caregivers. Be secure and happy in the fact that you did what was right, and that your Aunt smiles.
    Nancy

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  29. I hear you on many levels!! I think we've dealt with a handful of that stuff. Hard. Glad it is over for you and I hope you can hang on to those hairs! :) I have the gift of probably 4 heads of hair and will be glad to make a donation or three to you anytime :)
    Hugggsss!!!!

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  30. Olive, I surely hear your heart about all of this...I do not know what we will do when my Daddy dies or how I will be able to handle all the drama associated with dysfunctional families..when my sister in law died, her funeral was extremely hard to endure...we were threatened and shunned, and on and on..it is sad that families can be so hurtful..
    Love,
    Mona

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  31. I'm glad it's over and you are home again.

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  32. That sounds so stressful, Olive. I am glad you are back home, and that you have Joe.

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  33. I can feel your pain also. May God bless and comfort you as only he can.

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  34. Wow - I am glad you made it through - God helps us carry on and so does family - I am glad you and your sister still talk.

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  35. PS and I am very, very glad you have Joe.

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  36. Sound like a very wretched time for you! I'm so sorry. Yes, I seem to visiting a few ghosts of my own recently. Yes, it's haunting. No pun intended. Love you. You are beautiful!

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  37. So proud of you for
    the respect that you
    showed your aunt by
    overcoming your
    uncomfortable feelings
    about being there.

    It took me a long time
    to go back to the town
    where I went to high school.
    I've exorcised those ghosts,
    finally, but that first time
    back ~ yowzer.

    Hugs & love to you.

    xo Suzanne

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I adore your comments. They are like finding unexpected chocolates. olive