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Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Hold Everything Lightly #13 {The Baby The Hard Way}

To want a baby and not be able to have one can drive a woman to the edge. Over the edge. When I was in my late twenties I went through an expensive infertility work up.  I prayed the prayer of Hannah of old many times. To anyone going through this process now keep waiting for the miracle. Here is my story.

I was married to Stephen, working full time as a registered nurse at the medical university and going to college at night to get another nursing degree. If you work in an institution of higher learning it is expected of you to get advanced degrees. It is a matter of status and prestige. Yet my heart was not in it. I wanted a baby. Going to class for hours each evening was making me miserable. My pay would increase perhaps a dollar an hour which was not entirely worth the effort. I have never been concerned with prestige or status. I was concerned with providing excellent patient care and advanced in my field based on that principle alone.

I started seeing what would turn out to be numerous doctors about our inability to conceive. Eventually we ended up with a well known French doctor. We both had an exhaustive physical that cost the earth. We both had medical issues and were prescribed medications. I took daily Prednisone. I had many diagnostic and surgical procedures. I had fifteen vaginal ultrasounds. They were appalling. After the doctor would see an egg on ultrasound she would say " Go be nice to your husband." Eventually my labs indicated a possible pregnancy and an ultrasound found a beating yolk sac. To say I was thrilled after about twenty negative pregnancy tests is an understatement. I was more numb than anything else. I made them draw blood because I did not believe the urine dip. The French doctor saw something he did not like on an ultrasound and I had more surgery while pregnant to sew up my cervix. A few weeks after that I was hospitalized with kidney stones. Because I was pregnant I passed two stones with no pain medicine. I hit a doctor, with my fist, when he was palpating my abdomen in the emergency room. Pain, untreated, does breed violence. In me anyways.

 At some point in the summer I was sent to a High Risk OB/GYN doctor and he said I was his patient from then on and could not work anymore. I cried when I told my head nurse. I had home health nurses come to the house for a time.  I had to lay on my left side for seventeen days because I was very sick with HELP syndrome. It was formerly known as toxemia of pregnancy.  I had acute kidney failure, liver damage, hypertension, and was starting to have total organ failure. There was no choice but to deliver the baby to save my life. My platelet count was so low I was bleeding out of every injection site on my body. A C-Section was done and CC was born at 2 lbs 9 ounces. They had a full neonatal ICU team in the operating room. CC, at 32 weeks gestation, because she had been under such uterine stress was SGA (small for gestational age) and IGR (intrauterine growth retardation). She lost the 9 ounces and had to start over from two pounds. I spent the next twenty four hours in ICU and have no memory of it.

CC spent ten weeks in the NICU. I had worked in the NICU but when it is your baby in that isolette it is an entirely different matter. Stephen was wonderful with her and not scared of the tubes and IV's.
She came home weighing 4lbs 5ozs. She had to be holding her heat and feeding well. I was able to breastfeed her until she was one years old. She remained smaller than most kids her age and I always thanked God for giving me a baby for just a little longer.

CC is now a young adult, in college and and I would do it all again and more to have her. 
She is my advanced degree, in life.
 She is a joy for any and all who know her.

Keep praying for the miracle

"Hold everything in your hands lightly, otherwise it hurts, when God pries your fingers open."
                                                      ---Corrie Ten Boom 1892-1983

thank you for reading 


  1. While reading, I felt the emotional roller coaster you were on during this time. This my friend is a witness to God and His power when it seems that nothing in the world will ever be right. I don't think He will mind if you hold her tightly.
    Tough post to read because of the fresh memories with Jenn's journey and Bella's arrival, but a happy ending is always worth the ride.

  2. Another incredible episode of your life Olive ~ it's almost too much to happen to one person! But whether easy or hard, we all need God, don't we. Blessings to you and your family. xo

  3. Thank you for sharing your very personal and heart-tugging story with us. I was happy to read to the end and find that yes, it all worked out and you have that gift of your beautiful daughter. But the journey there was something few of us have to endure. I've had kidney stones, and I can't imagine not being able to take something for the pain. You are one courageous woman. Then again, if it came down to pain or losing my child, I too would choose the pain.

  4. What a story Olive - if there are any obstacles in the way it appears that you are the one that finds them, but and it is a big but, what a glorious ending. CC is such a beautiful, lovely young women, and a very precious gift.

    1. Rosemary, all obstacles have been well worth the effort to get through them. She is a glorious ending indeed to this story. I actually toned the whole time down and left parts out. It was an awful time for me but I would do it again.

  5. Wow!! What a tough, tough, time to go through but I can tell that CC has been the joy of your life and worth it - but then God's blessings always are.

    April's twins reached one-hundred days yesterday. April's post was sweet. She mentions how when she was a teacher there were always one-hundred day celebrations at school - she hopes to have many more one-hundred day celebrations - they are still in the hospital but are getting close and closer to going home.

  6. Wow, CC is truly a beautiful miracle and what a joy and blessing to have such a lovely young lady as your daughter! Of course her mom is pretty amazing too!!
    Mary Alice

  7. I just love your stories that you share..especially this one...and you are so right..never give up...CC is living proof of that...after my daughter went through infertility for some years, I can relate to how much you appreciate your baby when it finally does come....your stories touch so many lives and encourage even more.....thank you for taking the time to write them down...
    Love, Mona

  8. Wow, what a story. I have had kidney stones before, too. OUch. I thought those pains were worse that labor pains. What a special story.

  9. Oh Olive,
    What a precious gift your CC is to you. You went through so much to have her and she will be a joy to you forever.
    Your story is beautiful and wonderful sad for those who are now going through the same thing.
    It was a joy to read. XXXX

  10. CC is indeed a miracle! I know that waiting and waiting for a baby makes you appreciate parenthood all the more. I had given up on ever getting pregnant, but Chickie was born a week before my 31st birthday.
    The waiting reminded me to treasure every moment, and I really have.

  11. That was such an inspiring story Olive. You're right - pain does breed violence in all of us, but the pain you went through was off the scale. Giving the doctor a little thump was nothing. CC is such a beautiful precious daughter as much as you, her mother, are so precious to her too. my two children came along so easily - I don't know I'm born.

  12. It really is amazing that all you went through and all CC went through that everything turned out so well! I like your degree much better than the kind you hang on the wall.

  13. This is such a moving story of a very painful but precious time in your life. CC truly is a gift.


  14. I'm so glad you both made it through the storm. She's a beautiful miracle.

  15. You went through so much. So glad that you were able to have such a sweet reward.

  16. Wow!
    What a touching story!
    Thanks for sharing!


  17. What a miracle and what an inspirational story, Olive! Praise God!!!

  18. Okay, you are killing me here ... my hot flashes are raging and the tears are flowing. What a terrible and beautiful story all wrapped up in a single so glad you made it through package! She's beautiful!



  19. What a wonderful story, Olive. You went through so much to have CC and what a precious gift she is. You are such a strong woman. I doubt I could have endured all you did.

  20. Oh Olive Bless your heart...and what a blessing to have that precious girl as your daughter. Thank you so much for writing about this.

  21. This is so awesome! God's time and His reasons are know only to Him. She's a beauty!

  22. Oh! very touching story. Thank you for sharing with us. I read it with great interest.
    Besos from Argentina. Silvina

  23. Thank you so much for sharing the story of your precious daughter. My own daughter struggled with fertility issues. She started with the ob doctor and eventually found her way to a fertility specialist. She started with the easier treatments to no avail and after five years, spent over $20,000 to attempt in vitro which does not guarantee a baby. Actually there is only a 1 in 3 chance of a pregnancy and not all of these pregnancies end happily. They retrieved 12 eggs and implanted four - resulting in our first grandson. Only 3 of the remaining eggs survived to the point of being frozen and after thawing only two "tot-sikles" remained to be implanted, and after a difficult pregnancy and a horrendous vaginal birth, followed five hours later by a c-section - resulting in boy girl twins! I am so grateful to God for these precious gifts.

  24. Wonderful story and a miracle girl she is. I wish now I had tried sooner to have children. By the time I went to a specialist it was too late for me. I could have had a donor egg but hubby was not willing to try that. It bothered me at first but I've learned to accept it.


  25. lovely story :)
    I'll be happy if you check out my blog too=)

  26. She is such a lovely girl and obviously a blessing to you.

  27. Thank you for sharing this very personal story...sometimes we have to work very hard for what we want. My personal miracle was also, so very worth the effort and I remember to be grateful daily. Your daughter is lovely.

  28. Well, sweetheart...this one has me bawling. You did, indeed, go thru a lot and, being a mother and grandmother, I do know that you would gladly do it again if it were a thousand times worse. That's because you are a MOTHER. :)

  29. Olive,
    Thanks for you sweet comment, Can't wait for her to get here! How inspiring you are! Just goes to show that we would go thru anything for our children even before the're born! I can't imagine what you went thru but so happy you had a "happy ending"! She is gorgeous and I know the joy of your life! Reading this makes me realize how lucky I was, I had my first at 36, second at 38 and Kate at 41 and had no problems.
    You are a strong, courageous women, even with all the things you have gone thru you have been blessed!
    Enjoy those grandkids!

  30. Olive -- every child is a miracle BUT your (and CC's) story is amazing! So glad you were blessed with your sweet gal (and she was blessed with YOU) :)


  31. OK...don't like to cry on Wednesdays! As remarkable and emotionally draining as your amazing story is, I did OK until I got to the Corrie Ten Boom quote. I needed to read it! Every mother understands how hard it is to hold our children lightly, and to let them go for God's plan. Your CC is just precious and you are so blessed! I'm glad I stopped by today...Praise God from Whom ALL blessings flow!

  32. Oh dear Olive, CC is truly a blessing! What a touching and large-hearted post, I'm sure it was not easy to relive this nightmare. Babies are a blessing and how they arrive and thrive is truly a miracle.

  33. Olive, What a sweet story but scary too. So glad you got your girl CC :):) We love our kids, don't we? What you went through makes CC even more special. Smiles, xo, Susie

  34. OH, this is quite a glad it had a happy ending! My second child was born at
    31 weeks...and I can't imagine being so sick the way you were...such an intense, emotional, and scary time! It is all worth it, though!

  35. WOW! What an incredible and heart wrenching story. I am so glad it has a happy ending! CC is indeed your little miracle! Thanks so much for sharing such a personal and emotional story. WOW!



    1. A very special and personal story, I am touched you shared.

  36. she looks great to have started life at 2lbs 9oz

    so glad you have your baby now

  37. Oh this is the sweetest post yet.

    Advanced degree in life-what a way with words. That's exactly how we are feeling right about now. Keep us in your prayers.

    Loved this!

  38. This is SUCH an important
    message. There is nothing
    like longing for a baby when
    you are ready but it's just
    not happening. I know; I
    also lived my own infertility
    stories. I am so happy that
    you also got your miracle.
    She looks and sounds like
    a beautiful person, just like
    her mama : )

    xo Suzanne

  39. and she is ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!


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